What do you do when love goes? When the person you have lived with and loved for six years or more decides that she cannot cope with the illnesses you have attracted and that combined with the pressure of other things going on in her life means that the relationship you had has got to end?
I don't know the answer, but that is what I am currently living through. My partner I feel is suffering from depression due to the massive stresses she has been under from her work and other outside influences, but if I try to tell her my thoughts she will not accept it.
She sends out many conflicting messages, almost on a daily basis. She has constructed a picture of her life, of my life and of our life which really does not stand up to scrutiny. That picture she then reinforces with events that do not actually happen or are slanted in such a way that they fit the picture.
This is a sad and depressing time for me, because you see, I love her still. I think I always will. She has told me twice in the past months that she loves me, she has also repeated some words she wrote on a card for a birthday once.
"I don't want to spend a day in my life without you in it". Maybe they were not her original words, but they had a profound effect on me, even five years later on.
Thursday 3rd March 2011
Tonight I asked Yvonne if she would like to go to the cinema tomorrow night and suggested a film we would both like to see. She made an excuse and said she thought that there was something she had agreed to do tomorrow, and to let her think about it.
I went into her bedroom and found that she had packed an overnight bag, without any nightwear in it. Last week she told me that a business colleague who has become a friend had asked her to stay over for the night. She told me that she had declined but if she felt threatened by me then she would. I think she has made arrangements with him to stay with him on Friday. She has three times this week sat in the car outside the house for up to forty minutes on her mobile phone. This is getting to be unbearable.
Her paranoia is now so bad that she is locking her bedroom door each night and during the day. Maybe she has cause to, but her behaviour is such that everything she does is telling me she does not want me around here.
The e mail she sent to me by accident after my operation was an eye opener. "I cannot understand why David is still hanging around" she wrote. Well, the truth is I still love her.
A friend said to me that a partnership is over when one of the people decides it is over. True. Nothing the other person can say or do will change that if the persons mind is made up. Hers seems to be. She is burning herself up with the number of hours she is spending with the man child, they see each other seven days a week. She has been out with him for days in the country and north wales, and then she comes home and ignores me.
This is a truly horrible existence.
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