What do you do when love goes? When the person you have lived with and loved for six years or more decides that she cannot cope with the illnesses you have attracted and that combined with the pressure of other things going on in her life means that the relationship you had has got to end?
I don't know the answer, but that is what I am currently living through. My partner I feel is suffering from depression due to the massive stresses she has been under from her work and other outside influences, but if I try to tell her my thoughts she will not accept it.
She sends out many conflicting messages, almost on a daily basis. She has constructed a picture of her life, of my life and of our life which really does not stand up to scrutiny. That picture she then reinforces with events that do not actually happen or are slanted in such a way that they fit the picture.
This is a sad and depressing time for me, because you see, I love her still. I think I always will. She has told me twice in the past months that she loves me, she has also repeated some words she wrote on a card for a birthday once.
"I don't want to spend a day in my life without you in it". Maybe they were not her original words, but they had a profound effect on me, even five years later on.
Thursday 3rd March 2011
Tonight I asked Yvonne if she would like to go to the cinema tomorrow night and suggested a film we would both like to see. She made an excuse and said she thought that there was something she had agreed to do tomorrow, and to let her think about it.
I went into her bedroom and found that she had packed an overnight bag, without any nightwear in it. Last week she told me that a business colleague who has become a friend had asked her to stay over for the night. She told me that she had declined but if she felt threatened by me then she would. I think she has made arrangements with him to stay with him on Friday. She has three times this week sat in the car outside the house for up to forty minutes on her mobile phone. This is getting to be unbearable.
Her paranoia is now so bad that she is locking her bedroom door each night and during the day. Maybe she has cause to, but her behaviour is such that everything she does is telling me she does not want me around here.
The e mail she sent to me by accident after my operation was an eye opener. "I cannot understand why David is still hanging around" she wrote. Well, the truth is I still love her.
A friend said to me that a partnership is over when one of the people decides it is over. True. Nothing the other person can say or do will change that if the persons mind is made up. Hers seems to be. She is burning herself up with the number of hours she is spending with the man child, they see each other seven days a week. She has been out with him for days in the country and north wales, and then she comes home and ignores me.
This is a truly horrible existence.
Thursday 18 September 2014
Homeless
Sunday 20th March 2011
Never thought this would happen, but here I am homeless.
It happened last week when Yvonne phoned me whilst I was in a meeting at Preston. (10th March) Told me she had had enough and that my clothes were packed and in one of her empty houses across from where I had been living.
By 8pm that night I was settling into a room in a hostel for the homeless and feeling more like death than ever before in my life.
It hasn't been much better since then other than the massive amount of support and sympathy I have had from friends, family and colleagues. How she could make me homeless eight weeks before I am due to start cancer treatment is beyond belief. Such a level of cruelty and selfishness is hard to comprehend. And now she is trying again to control what I do and who I tell about my situation.
She is trying hard to paint a picture to all and sundry that my drinking has lead to mental instability (well she should know as she is a practising psychologist), and that life was intolerable with me.
The truth is a bit more prosaic. She became bored with our normal life and is intent on seeking the thrills of a younger newer relationship. She has always been this way and will end up a lonely old woman with no friends. She has few at the moment due to her behaviour over the years. Even her longest standing friend has refused to comment on a long complaint she sent to her about me.
Neglects to tell the whole story that she decided of her own accord that our relationship was over, just happened to coincide with the onset of a semi romantic liaison with a new man in her life. He is 16 years younger than her and together they have made my life a misery for the past year with their sniggering, staying at his house until 2am, going off for days out together. Sharing dirty jokes, blue movies generally behaving like 14 year olds. In truth that is his mentality. She cannot seem to understand that her behaviour has in large part contributed to my feelings of anger and despair.
She has only wanted me around this past few months for the sake of her new business she is starting. Well now she has blown it.
The crunch came when I sent her details of some of the rather sick web sites she and the man-child had been trawling through during the time they were working together on a legal paper they were concocting. She blew! I am homeless.
What part of "I love you" includes "but your clothes are now across the road and you are homeless eight weeks before you are due to start your cancer treatment?"
Difficult to know really.
Never thought this would happen, but here I am homeless.
It happened last week when Yvonne phoned me whilst I was in a meeting at Preston. (10th March) Told me she had had enough and that my clothes were packed and in one of her empty houses across from where I had been living.
By 8pm that night I was settling into a room in a hostel for the homeless and feeling more like death than ever before in my life.
It hasn't been much better since then other than the massive amount of support and sympathy I have had from friends, family and colleagues. How she could make me homeless eight weeks before I am due to start cancer treatment is beyond belief. Such a level of cruelty and selfishness is hard to comprehend. And now she is trying again to control what I do and who I tell about my situation.
She is trying hard to paint a picture to all and sundry that my drinking has lead to mental instability (well she should know as she is a practising psychologist), and that life was intolerable with me.
The truth is a bit more prosaic. She became bored with our normal life and is intent on seeking the thrills of a younger newer relationship. She has always been this way and will end up a lonely old woman with no friends. She has few at the moment due to her behaviour over the years. Even her longest standing friend has refused to comment on a long complaint she sent to her about me.
Neglects to tell the whole story that she decided of her own accord that our relationship was over, just happened to coincide with the onset of a semi romantic liaison with a new man in her life. He is 16 years younger than her and together they have made my life a misery for the past year with their sniggering, staying at his house until 2am, going off for days out together. Sharing dirty jokes, blue movies generally behaving like 14 year olds. In truth that is his mentality. She cannot seem to understand that her behaviour has in large part contributed to my feelings of anger and despair.
She has only wanted me around this past few months for the sake of her new business she is starting. Well now she has blown it.
The crunch came when I sent her details of some of the rather sick web sites she and the man-child had been trawling through during the time they were working together on a legal paper they were concocting. She blew! I am homeless.
What part of "I love you" includes "but your clothes are now across the road and you are homeless eight weeks before you are due to start your cancer treatment?"
Difficult to know really.
Long time no see 18th September 2014
It is almost three years since I last wrote anything for this blog. wonder why? Maybe the last time I wrote was about a rather nasty episode which happened to me. Now that is all over.
Cancer has been treated and seems to be gone for ever (fingers crossed), left only with polymyalgia, which is a pain in the bum, and other places as well, and COPD, but apart from that life is good.
Just returned from two weeks in the sun in Madeira and had a wonderful time, and looking forward to the next time, I hope.
The passage of time reminded me with a rather nasty shock this morning when I had a phone call from a very good friend of mine who plays around at comensus at the university of Central Lancashire. A good friend of ours has recently been moved to a hospice with the final stages of cancer. He has fought it for several years now, but finally it has caught up with him.
His name is John and behind his back (sometimes) we call him the Philosopher. He is a wonderful man who will be sadly missed when eventually his time is up.
Been a bit of a year for deaths, first my dear father in law James who died at the end of January, then my sister Stella in the middle of August and now John.
They do say you can tell how old you are when you start going to more funerals than weddings and baptisms. ah well John, You wouldn't like us to moan and cry over you, though believe me old friend, you will be missed.
Cancer has been treated and seems to be gone for ever (fingers crossed), left only with polymyalgia, which is a pain in the bum, and other places as well, and COPD, but apart from that life is good.
Just returned from two weeks in the sun in Madeira and had a wonderful time, and looking forward to the next time, I hope.
The passage of time reminded me with a rather nasty shock this morning when I had a phone call from a very good friend of mine who plays around at comensus at the university of Central Lancashire. A good friend of ours has recently been moved to a hospice with the final stages of cancer. He has fought it for several years now, but finally it has caught up with him.
His name is John and behind his back (sometimes) we call him the Philosopher. He is a wonderful man who will be sadly missed when eventually his time is up.
Been a bit of a year for deaths, first my dear father in law James who died at the end of January, then my sister Stella in the middle of August and now John.
They do say you can tell how old you are when you start going to more funerals than weddings and baptisms. ah well John, You wouldn't like us to moan and cry over you, though believe me old friend, you will be missed.
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